This January, in support of the Toronto Rape Crisis Centre / Multicultural Women Against Rape, friends and family have raised over $1,500 (which, when matched by my employer, totals $3,000). As a result, I now have to watch and write about thirty-one horror movies: one each night. Any donors who contributed over $30 were given the option to choose one of the horror movies I must subject myself to. After each viewing, I will write some things about said movies on this website. Be forewarned that all such write-ups will contain spoilers, and many of them will refer to unpleasant and potentially triggering situations. Today’s film is the unlikely co-production of British horror studio Hammer Films, and kung fu purveyors The Shaw Brothers: The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires (1974), directed by Roy Ward Barker (Asylum), with an uncredited assist from Cheh Chang (The Seven Deadly Venoms). This film was not selected by any donors, but the promise of Count Dracula facing kung fu experts was too tempting to deny.
What happens:
A prologue to The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires opens in Transylvania, 1804. A Chinese traveller with long hair struggles his way up a mountain. He encounters a goat herder who, upon seeing his face, crosses himself and flees. At the summit, he spies his goal: Castle Dracula. Inside the stone castle, he finds an imposing coffin marked with a ‘D,’ and bows in deference. Before long, Count Dracula (John Forbes-Robertson) emerges from his tomb, looking something like Willy Loman in powder makeup. He looks at the man on his knees and asks, “Who dares disturb the sanctity of Dracula?”
Well, it’s Kah (Shen Chan) disturbing his sanctity. As he explains in Cantonese, he’s visiting from China, as he used to serve seven golden vampires (you know), but the vampires have fallen dormant and the people no longer fear their legend. He begs Dracula to resurrect them. Dracula, who understands Cantonese but refuses use it when responding, at first denies the man. But then he realizes how much he could use a vacation. He agrees, but tells Kah he must assume his form to escape his castle. It’s unclear if Kah consents, because he’s sort of screaming when Dracula grabs him by the shoulders and the two men spin in a plume of smoke until there’s only one figure left. That figure looks like Kah, but is poorly dubbed with Dracula’s voice.
Cut to Chungking, one hundred years later. Professor Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) is guest lecturing a class on Chinese history and tells them about a doomed Chinese village (parts unknown) that was plagued by vampires during the seventh moon. He tells the story of a farmer, Hsi Penang, who took on the vampires by himself.
In flashback, Penang limps along with his hoe, going beyond the village walls and heading to the large unholy temple where the vampires reside. Inside, seven young women have been bound to stone altars that radiate out from a bubbling cauldron of blood. Kah is there, supervising the seven vampires, who wear golden masks to conceal their gray, corpse-like complexions. They also all wield golden swords and wear golden bat necklaces. (Cool, right?) Our farmer hero rushes in and begins to free the captive women. But almost as soon as he does, a vampire kills one of the women with a sword. He then tackles Penang, but Penang is able to pull off his bat necklace, which seems to harm him. (The vampire starts spewing dust, as if he were an inflatable pool toy that Penang has unplugged.)
Pengang flees the temple and the vampires pursue. Kah sounds the gong, which causes skeleton warriors with long, flowing hair to rise from their graves and join the vampires. The skeleton army of the undead skip (yes, skip) after the farmer, who makes it back to his village. But they’ve locked him out! He can’t get back home. He keeps running until he finds a small Buddhist shrine in a clearing. He places the bat medallion by the jade Buddha inside, and the vampires and their skeleton pals arrive moments later. They make short work of the farmer: two vampires simultaneously cut his throat. But the still-smoking vampire goes to retrieve his medallion from the shrine and immediately lights on fire in a less-than-impressive display of special effects. (He flew to close to the Buddha on bat wings.)
Back in Van Helsing’s lecture hall, the Professor concludes his story, noting that six vampires remain, though he admits he doesn’t know where the village is located. His students are annoyed; they think Van Helsing is insulting them. Maybe Eastern European peasants are thrilled by stories of vampires, but Chungking is a sophisticated city. Vampires aren’t real! The entire class leaves, save one student in white, who lingers a short time before departing.
We next meet Van Helsing’s adult son, Leyland (Robin Stewart), in a local tea room, chatting with a British Consul (Robert Hanna). Ms. Vanessa Van Buren (Julie Ege), a wealthy Scandinavian widow, arrives and the Consul immediately worries that her ostentatious wealth will prove too tempting for local brigands. One such brigand is Leung Hon, a local heavy also in said tea room, who has already started eyeing the young widow. Leyland introduces himself to Vanessa, who perks up when she realizes he’s the son of the famous vampire hunter. (She’s a fan of his books.)
Elsewhere, the elder Van Helsing is packing up a few things in his apartment. The student in white from earlier scales the wall of his building and sneaks into Van Helsing’s room. The Professor spots him shortly after and demands to know who he is. The man introduces himself as Hsi Ching (David Chiang). He wants to apologize for his fellow students and their doubts. Furthermore, he came to speak to Van Helsing alone: for he is the grandchild of the farmer in his legend, and he knows where the village is.
In the tea room, things are getting heated. Leung Hon sends Vanessa a message, offering to accompany her home this evening, but Leyland tells Hon’s servant that he’ll do it himself. The British Consul warns him that he’s made a powerful enemy in Leung Hon. He’s caused him to lose face! (“Here, an unforgivable sin.”) At Van Helsing’s, Hsi Ching says that he and his many brothers want Van Helsing to travel with them to their ancestral village to end the vampire curse. They will need no guards or protection, as each of the Hsi Brothers is a master of martial arts. And to prove he’s not just making this vampire stuff up, he shows him the golden bat medallion his grandfather took.
Meanwhile, Leyland and Vanessa take the 1904 version of the Chungking express – two rickshaw drivers – home. But their party is soon attacked by a number of rogues in black, who kill their bodyguards and scare off their drivers. Then, out of nowhere, two men in blue – one armed with axes, the other with a bow and arrow – leap from the shadows and attack the assassins. (Leyland tries to help, as well, but he’s not very good with physical activities.) After killing the assassins, the men in blue pick up the rickshaws and carry Leyland and Vanessa the rest of the way to Van Helsing’s. The men, if you hadn’t guessed, are Hsi Ta (James Ma) and Hsi Kwei (Chia Yung Liu), two of Ching’s bothers.
When they return to Van Helsing’s place, they make plans. Leyland and Vanessa are now on the run from Leung Hon, so need to skip town. And the Hsi family is eager to get back to that remote village and kill some vampires. Van Helsing notes a trek of that kind is costly, but Vanessa offers to foot the bill of 10,000 Chinese dollars – as long as she’s allowed to join the expedition. Van Helsing refuses, saying that a woman can’t survive the trip (even though he has no idea where this village is), but Ching thinks it’ll be fine. He even has a sister who can attend to her.
The vampire expedition leaves at daybreak. It’s not long before they run into a party of brigands. The Hsis take fighting stances and engage in a brutal kung fu battle with the robbers. The gang leaders on horseback attempt to maul the Van Helsings and Vanessa (who have kept back from the fray), but Leyland shoots one dead, and the archer, Kwei, shoots the other one through the neck. A third tackles Leyland and they tussle on the ground until Leyland stabs him with his own dagger.
After they set up camp that evening, Van Helsing notes how impressed he is by Ching and his siblings’ hand-to-hand combat skills. Ching introduces Van Helsing to the rest of his family, which includes San and Sun (Then Lung Chen and Hark-On Fung, twin swordsmen), Hong (Hui-Ling Liu, who wields a mace), Po-Kwei (Huang Pei-Chih, who wields a short spear), and his sister, Mai Kwei (Szu Shih). Over dinner, Van Helsing outlines the rules for vampires. Here in the East, a Buddha statue is more important than a crucifix, but the best way to kill them remains a wooden or silver stake through the heart. He also notes that, if retrieved, the golden bat medallion – which they are transporting with them – could resurrect the seventh vampire. (Why did they bring it then?) The golden bat then burns his hand, and Van Helsing notes, “They know we’re coming.”
Meanwhile, the seven vampires ride into the Hsis’ ancestral village on horseback and begin to murder the men and carry off the women – but not before tearing open their shirts. (This happens multiple times.) The townspeople come out to fight the vampires this time, but are no match for their powers. Then Count Dracula, as Kah, makes an appearance on horseback.
Back at our heroes’ camp, Vanessa, seeing Leyland is creeping on Mai Kwei, suggests, Cyrano-style, that he help her do the dishes. But it’s all so she can spend a little time with Ching, who she’s been making eyes at for most of the trip. As Leyland chats with Mai Kwei, she suddenly seizes, feeling a terrible chill. Something’s wrong! That’s because at that same altar of bubbling blood, seven women have again been bound to the stone altars. The Chinese Count Dracula beckons one of the topless victims to come to him. He sinks his fangs into her neck and she screams. The other vampires take this as a cue and do the same to the women on the altars. Their blood drains into the bubbling cauldron in the centre.
Van Helsing and crew find the journey more and more difficult. They rest in a spacious cave, but it isn’t long before very unconvincing bats begin to dive-bomb them, then transform into three of the vampires! The skeleton army joins the vampires, and the scene erupts into a kung fu Battle Royale. Eventually, Van Helsing commands everyone to aim for the hearts of the skeleton warriors. Hitting them directly in the chest causes them to dissolve like sand. One vampire grasps for the golden bat medallion, but our archer, Kwei, shoots him dead just in time. Another vampire grabs Vanessa, but a team of Hsis seize him and he’s soon a deflated pile of dust. The final vampire attacks Van Helsing, who is armed with a flaming torch. Ching gives him an assist by kicking the vampire from behind which drives him into the flaming stake Van Helming carries. When impaled, the vampire goes off like a sparkler.
In the aftermath, Ching notes his siblings are exhausted and can’t possibly survive another battle like that. Van Helsing, who barely did anything in that fight, assures them it’ll be fine: there are only three vampires left. They can do this! (Classic case of white boss overworking racialized labourers.) The crew continue on to that shrine of the jade Buddha where the Hsis’ grandfather died many years ago. They find his skull (?) and a vampire mask, literally just hidden under a shrub. (Archaeology is easy!) “The legend is true,” Van Helsing marvels, despite the fact they just killed three vampires. They continue on to the village and begin to set up trenches and defences for the siege to come.
Night descends, and the village gate blows open with an unholy dust. One vampire arrives on horseback and draws out the siblings, but then the other two remaining vampires (and then their skeleton friends) show up. As with a lot of this film, the white folks look on mostly useless while kung fu masters battle vampires and skeletons. One of the Hsi brothers is killed early on, then another one grabs a vampire and rolls him into a wall of flame, killing them both. One of the remaining vampires pursues Vanessa and chomps into her neck, transforming her into one of them. The villagers come out of hiding and take care of one of the other vampires, chopping him to pieces with their farm implements.
Ching goes to Vanessa, unaware that she’s now a vampire. She embraces him, but then tries to bite his neck. Van Helsing commands Ching to kill her, so he pushes her onto a bamboo spear. Then, seeing he’s killed his unrequited love, pushes further to impale himself, as well. The Hsi brothers start dropping like flies, but there’s only one vampire left. He attacks Mai Kwei and captures her, carrying her to the temple on horseback. Leyland sees this transpiring and grabs a horse to pursue. Van Helsing and the surviving Hsi brothers – Kwei and Po-Kwei (gotta’ have Kwei in your name to survive) – see them leave and trail after.
The last vampire restrains Mai Kwei on the stone altar. He goes for her neck, but Leyland arrives just in time and intervenes. They battle atop the altars. When Van Helsing and the Hsi brothers arrive, Van Helsing takes a nearby metal spear and jams it into the vampire’s back while he’s occupied with Leyland. The vampire screams and falls into the pot of boiling blood – how ironic! He leaves a muddy goo behind.
With everything wrapped up, the Hsi siblings and Leyland leave, but Van Helsing, sensing a disturbance in the force, remains behind. Of course, dubbed Dracula is still there, and Van Helsing recognizes him almost immediately. He demands Count Dracula show his true self, and – in a sub-Power-Rangers quality transformation – Kah becomes the Prince of Darkness. The Count backhands Van Helsing, but literally seconds later falls upon a wooden stake in the vampire hunter’s hands, dropping dead on the altar. He begins to burn in a gross melting effect (that’s actually pretty good, credit where credit is due). The wooden spear falls backward and crushes Dracula’s dry skull. Order has been restored to China.
Takeaway points:
- As you sit through this film for 90 minutes without the slightest level of engagement or interest, you wonder how someone could so badly bungle melding gothic British vampire horror with Shaw Brothers-style kung fu. For one, the filmmakers give only the white characters anything resembling characters or histories, while the Hsi family are treated as interchangeable. (Literally, two actors who are not related portray twins!) However, the white leads (who have something resembling personalities and arcs) very rarely enter into battle. Most of the film is like watching other people watch a wrestling match. Additionally, the filmmakers made no effort to incorporate any Chinese mythology into the proceedings. The vampires don’t hop, they don’t care about sticky rice – they’re literally just like European vampires, but they wear golden masks and don’t say very much.
- The vampires in The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires exclusively are interested in women. Very heteronormative vampires. The exception is when Vanessa turns into a vampire and she tries to bite Ching. The film really buys into the sexual aspect of vampirism, but also really wants you to know there’s no gay stuff happening here. Like, literally: the male vampires just murder the men, and disrobe the women to be drained later. (I realize this film and Hammer films, in general, are a product of their time, but it’s pretty icky.)
- The film opens in 1804, but the majority of it takes place in 1904. So, are we to believe that between 1804 and 1904, Count Dracula was hanging out in China, terrorizing a small village? Seems like a long time, especially since – if Van Helsing is a vampire hunter who has battled Dracula – Van Helsing would have encountered him in Transylvania during that period, no?
Truly terrifying or truly terrible?: I’m sad to report that The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires is not good. Not nearly as fun as the words “kung fu masters battling vampires” would suggest. (And not scary in the slightest.)
Best outfit: Professor Van Helsing’s expedition outfit, complete with pith helmet and gauzy rat tail, has to be seen to be believed.
Best line: “Danger and excitement are like food and drink to me.” – Vanessa Van Buren, on the dangers of travelling alone.
Best kill: No contest: the angry villagers chop one vampire up with hoes and shovels so much, he begins to resemble the contents of a rhubarb pie.
Unexpected cameo: Though John Forbes-Robertson plays Dracula in the flesh, his voice is provided by David de Keyser, who has provided such famous British film voices as the Voice of the Tabernacle in Zardoz and the Voice of Excalibur in Excalibur.
Unexpected lesson learned: Bat medallions aren’t just for show; Chinese vampires need them to stay inflated.
Most suitable band name derived from the movie: The Chungking Faculty of History.
Next up: The Lure (2015).