31 (More) Days of Fright: Deadly Friend

Fun fact: this film popularized the dance move, ‘The Robot.’

This January, in support of the Toronto Rape Crisis Centre / Multicultural Women Against Rape, friends and family have raised over $1,500 (which, when matched by my employer, totals $3,000). As a result, I now have to watch and write about thirty-one horror movies: one each night. Any donors who contributed over $30 were given the option to choose one of the horror movies I must subject myself to. After each viewing, I will write some things about said movies on this website. Be forewarned that all such write-ups will contain spoilers, and many of them will refer to unpleasant and potentially triggering situations. Today’s film is one often referred to as the director of Scream, Last House on the Left, and Nightmare on Elm Street Wes Craven’s worst film, Deadly Friend. Follow me as I decide whether this is a fair assessment. Deadly Friend was rented by Toronto’s extensive video emporium, Bay Street Video.

What happens:

Trigger warnings: child abuse.

A thief in a hunter’s cap breaks into a Volkswagen bus parked outside of a burger joint at the opening of 1986’s Deadly Friend. His attempts to rob the bus are prevented by B.B., an anthropomorphic yellow robot who mumbles robotic gibberish and says its own name a lot. B.B. chokes the thief and forces him out of the van, then locks the door. The van’s driver, single mother Jeannie Conway (Anne Twomey), and her genius son who built the robot, Paul (Matthew Labyorteaux), re-enter and drive off, none the wiser there was an attempted to break-in. They soon arrive at their new house in the town of Welling.

The first person they meet in their new town is Tom ‘Slime’ Toomey (Michael Sharrett), the paperboy who lives down the street. He is suitably impressed by B.B. and can’t believe that Paul actually created this fully independent feat of artificial intelligence. Tom asks Paul if they’ll be in the same class at school, but obviously not! This guy built a fully functioning robot in 1986; he’s going to the prestigious Polytech University. A professor there, Dr. Johanson (Russ Marin) shows him the personal lab they’ve reserved for Paul’s A.I. experiments.

In the distant future of 1986, even real estate agents will be replaced by robots.

Paul soon meets the girl next door, Samantha Pringle (Kristy Swanson), while B.B. is mowing the lawn. They chat a bit about Paul’s robot creation, and Paul can’t help but notice the bruises on Samantha’s arm. Her menacing dad, Harry (Richard Marcus), soon appears on the porch and Sam runs back home. Paul later inquires with friend Tom about his neighbour Samantha, to which Tom crassly responds “great tits” (his nickname is ‘Slime,’ after all) but warns that her father is very strict and doesn’t let her date. Paul, Tom, and B.B. then pass the house of Elvira Parker (the incredible Anne Ramsey), which Tom notes is locked up tighter than Fort Knox. She doesn’t want anyone near her property (which makes it difficult for his work as newspaper delivery boy).

You know it’s a good dirt bike gang when 75% of the members look like Rowdy Roddy Piper.

While Paul assesses how quickly B.B. could break the combination lock on her front gate, Elvira walks out with a shotgun and warns the boys and robot to steer clear of her place. (Tom, amazingly, is pretty blasé about being threatened at gunpoint.) The boys and B.B. then encounter a local dirt bike gang, up to no good. They push B.B. around a bit, call it a tin can, but B.B. then clamps onto the ringleader’s crotch with its metal hands and squeezes. Only when Paul instructs does B.B. release him. The gang jets away on their dirt bikes.

Samantha drops by the Conways’ house that evening, bearing the gift of store-bought cookies. Paul, clearly delighted by the attention, invites her in and gives her a tour of his science-themed bedroom. (Posters of Newton and Einstein are given great prominence.) But before long, Sam’s dad shows up, insisting she return home and stop bothering the Conways. That night, Harry Pringle shows up drunk and sweaty in his teenage daughter’s bedroom. He implies that she’s been fooling around with Paul, and he doesn’t like it one bit. Harry holds down Sam, so she breaks a vase on her nightstand and stabs her father in the chest. Blood spurts through the vase flute all over Sam and the bedspread, but Harry just laughs. “You can’t hurt me,” he insists. And then Samantha wakes from what was a telling nightmare. (Phew!)

Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool. Shooting some b-ball outside with a tool.

At Polytech, Paul is busy lecturing students nearly twice his age on artificial intelligence. Later, the three human friends and B.B. shoot some hoops, but when they pass the rock to the robot, B.B. launches it onto Elvira Parker’s front porch. Paul offers to hop the fence, but Elvira steps outside just as he’s scaling the chain link. She takes the ball and tosses it inside. B.B. stares menacingly at her door long after she leaves.

Back in Paul’s Polytech lab, he’s progressed from robots to doing brain surgery on cadavers. He finds that running electrical impulses through the corpse’s brain causes it to twitch. Dr. Johnson, understandably, looks at Paul with grave concern. Shortly before Halloween, Paul and his mom have some good old-fashioned fun, carving a jack o’lantern. Sam arrives at the door with a nosebleed, and requests some ice. While Sam insists she often gets nosebleeds, Mrs. Conway knows her dad is abusing her. “He’s my father,” Sam explains ashamedly. “Sometimes I wanna’ roll a truck over his face, but he’s still my father.”

On Halloween itself, that gang decides to play a prank on Elvira. (My personal advice would be to never play a prank on someone so ready with a shotgun, but whatever.) B.B., using its computer brain, tries every lock combination until the gate swings open. They run inside, but Sam (the only one of the group dressed in costume – as a Greek goddess) sets off flashing alarms on the front porch. The human kids run and hide behind some bushes, but B.B. is not so fast (or inconspicuous). Elvira spots the mobile yellow Dumpster almost immediately and opens fire with her shotgun. She blows the robot apart as Paul howls in agony. Elvira smiles a lopsided grin and returns inside.

Harry Pringle, jockeying for Dad of the Year 1986.

Afterward, Paul is inconsolable in class. The Conways have Sam over for Thanksgiving and give thanks that her dad is passed out drunk on the couch. That night, Sam and Paul share a tentative first kiss. It will be (spoiler alert!) Sam’s last kiss, as well, as she returns home to find her dad is no longer asleep on the couch. On the second floor landing, he confronts Sam about her absence and slaps her. He then verbally abuses her and punches his daughter, which sends her flying down the stairs. Sam never gets up; her eyes flutter and blood dribbles from her mouth.

Paul and his mom see Samantha being loaded into an ambulance. Her father, Harry, insists that she fell on junk she left at the top of the stairs. Dr. Johanson and the other doctors at the university hospital do their best to repair her damaged brain, but there’s no way to save her. Sam is put on life support, but shows no signs of improving. Paul confronts Dr. Johanson; he’s simply not trying hard enough, Paul insists. Johanson says Sam is a lost cause; her dad has instructed them to pull her life support at 10 PM the next night if her vitals show no sign of improving. Incensed, Paul runs back to his room and hatches a monstrous idea. He pulls out the microchip that contains B.B.’s artificial intelligence and wonders.

Paul ensnares his friend Tom into his scheme. He needs Tom’s help, and his dad’s keys. (After all, Tom’s dad – conveniently – works security at the hospital.) Though Tom initially refuses, Paul reminds him that the prank on Elvira was Tom’s idea; it’s kind of his fault B.B. no longer exists. Tom stays over at the Conways that night for a sleepover. (Who has non-sexual sleepover in high school?) Paul then drugs his mother’s coffee (!) and waits for her to nod off. Unfortunately, they learn that the timeline has accelerated: they’re pulling the plug on Sam at 9 PM instead!

Luckily, Mom falls dead asleep soon after, so the boys steal her van and drive to the hospital. Paul dons a medical smock and grabs a laundry cart. He instructs Tom to stay in the utility room, where he is to turn off the power at a minute to 9. That’s when Paul will – in the dark – abscond with Samantha. However, a few things go wrong with this plan: (1) Samantha’s dad instructs the hospital staff to turn off the life support several minutes earlier, and (2) Tom panics and pulls the power while Paul is still in the elevator. Nevertheless, Paul still races out of the hospital moments later with Samantha’s body in his laundry cart. The only difference is that she’s dead. Her heart stopped minutes ago.

“It’s my creation … Is it real? It’s my creation …”

In the van, Tom and Paul argue. Tom didn’t agree to stealing corpses; just run-of-the-mill kidnapping. Paul is insistent: though Samantha is technically dead, there are still things they can do to revive her. They head to Paul’s lab at Polytech and conduct a little experimental brain surgery. Paul inserts the self-contained, battery-powered computer chip from B.B. into Sam’s brain. He tries to use the remote to boot Samantha up, but nothing happens. Then, a breakthrough: her leg kicks wildly. Tom, at Paul’s side, promptly faints.

Very early the next morning, Paul and Tom secret Samantha’s body in Paul’s shed, and cover her up in a sleeping bag. They then return inside and see Mrs. Conway still asleep. She can’t be awakened. “I think you killed her,” Tom cries. But not even the very dark Deadly Friend is dark enough to have Paul inadvertently kill his own mom. She eventually rouses. Tom, feeling uneasy about the night’s events, tells Paul they’re now even.

Paul visits the cyborg Samantha in the shed and wakes her up. She is breathing, and Paul begins to teach her how to sit up and move like a human being (more or less) again. But soon the police are buzzing around the Pringles’ house, investigating Sam’s missing body. That night, Paul is awakened by a crash. He runs to the shed and sees that Sam, now with dark circles around her eyes, has learned to stand. She watches her father through the shed window. (The robot Sam, it should be noted, holds her hands like the clamps of B.B. and cannot speak a word.) Paul, realizing Sam’s cybernetic anger, tires to restrain her and eventually has to power her down.

Samantha, using Pris from Blade Runner as makeup inspiration.

The next morning, Mrs. Conway finds Paul’s expensive new sleeping bag in the yard: is that any way to treat camping equipment? The android Sam, however, is on the move. Harry Pringle wakes up on the couch, sweating bullets. The house is extremely hot: in fact, it appears to be on fire. The coal furnace – somehow the house has a coal furnace, as if it’s a steamship from 1925 – is on overload. Harry goes to the basement to see what’s the matter and spots a bottle of bourbon on the basement steps. He reaches for it and Sam grabs his wrist from under the stars and throws him to the ground. (Fell for the old bourbon trap!) When Harry sees his daughter still alive, he begins to scream. Robot Sam moves toward her father and bends his wrist backward with her pronged hands. She then shoves him up against the burning furnace and finally breaks his neck.

Outside, Paul sees black smoke billowing from the Pringles’ chimney. And given they aren’t selecting a new Pope, he knows it must mean trouble. He enters the basement to see Mr. Pringle half in the furnace with Sam standing over his body. Paul drags Harry Pringle’s gruesomely melted body out of the furnace and hides him in the basement’s coal chute (!), covering over his mangled body with chunks of coal. He then brings Sam into his bedroom to hide until he can figure out what to do next.

Across the street, nosy Elvira Parker thinks she sees a ghost: the Pringle girl in the Conways’ window! She alerts the police, but the police think she must be crazy. Elvira continues watching her old movie when a basketball slowly bounces into the room. Being naturally paranoid, she retrieves her shotgun and locks the door. But after hearing a bang, she sees the front door has been damaged: someone must have broken in. Sam appears behind her. In one of the greatest moments in film history, robot Samantha then hurls the basketball at Elvira Parker, smashing her head into bloody chunks against the wall. The headless Elvira lurches around and spurts blood for a while before collapsing in a heap.

Kristy Swanson, doing her best John Stockton impersonation.

In his bed, Paul Conway awakes to see something moving towards him under the covers, Tremors-like. When he edges himself to the very top of the bed and removes the covers, he sees Samantha’s charred dad, reaching up for him in anguish. But it’s just a nightmare. (So many nightmares in this movie, you’d think they lived on Elm Street.) Paul goes downstairs to chase away his nightmare with a glass of milk, but is spooked by Sam, who is down there waiting for him. He realizes he has to keep Sam in the attic to make sure his mom never finds her. But when he tells her to stay hidden there, robot Sam looks incredibly forlorn.

Paul and his mother hear ambulances and police cars across the street. According to a busybody neighbour, both Mr. Pringle and Mrs. Parker have been found dead: “Elvira’s head is all over the walls in there.” The next day, Sam breaks out of the attic and finds a photos in Paul’s room: Paul, Tom, Sam, and B.B. Given that robotic Samantha now contains the consciousness of two of the four people in the photograph, she becomes disoriented and frustrated. When Paul returns home from school, his mother tells him she heard a stirring upstairs. He finds his android crush in an emotionally distraught state. Paul tries to reassure her, but is interrupted by a phone call from Tom.

Bad news: Tom is beginning to crack. He can’t handle the guilt anymore and needs to tell someone about what he and Paul did at the hospital. Paul begs him not to squeal. Meanwhile Dr. Johanson finds Mrs. Conway at her work and tells her Paul hasn’t been at school for several days; something’s not adding up. Paul brings Tom back to the attic to see Sam. Tom, having not seen Sam since they stole her body, is horrified to see her up and about like a more rational zombie. Tom immediately runs downstairs and threatens to call the cops, calling Paul a creep. (Fair.) Paul, in his struggle to stop Tom from leaving, punches him in the schnozz, causing another nosebleed. That’s when Paul’s mom enters and says they need to have an honest talk.

Tom takes this opportunity to run out and tells Paul, again, he’s calling the cops and putting a stop to his madness. That’s when Sam leaps out the attic window and comes crashing down on Tom. She tosses the boy around some, then shoves Mrs. Conway aside when she tries to intervene. Paul runs up to cyborg Sam and slaps her across the face. In return, she begins to throttle the boy mad scientist, but stops short of killing him. She runs away.

Samantha, keeping Welling clean and taking out the trash.

Paul follows her through the night. He doesn’t find Sam before the leader of the dirt bike gang finds him alone, without a giant yellow robot to back him up. The gang leader starts to rough Paul up. Paul gets a few solid punches in, but he’s no match for the leader of a dirt bike gang. But then the dirt biker hears a howl of “B.B” in the robot’s voice. Samantha arrives and lifts the confused hooligan over her head. Police cruisers rush into the abandoned lot and Samantha tosses the teenager into the police car’s windshield, killing him instantly.

Samantha runs further, but nearly a dozen police cars are in pursuit. They surround her several times before she escapes to the Conways’ shed. Paul realizes that’s where she’s hiding, and finds her in the dark. He pleads with her to remain calm. Maybe he and Dr. Johanson can help her. Then Sam’s P.O.V. turns from a digital display to regular human vision: Sam is slowly regaining some of her humanity. But it’s come much too late: the police have arrived at the shed and demand that Sam come out and give herself up.

As Sam and Paul leave the shed, the police draw their pistols on her. Paul tries to pull the cops’ guns away, but they restrain him. Samantha yells out “Paul!” in her human voice, then runs toward him, her claw-like hands outstretched. The police officer shoots her once in the gut. Samantha dies in Paul’s arms.

In an epilogue, the coroner and Dr. Johanson discuss the strange case of Samantha Pringle as they slide her body into a morgue drawer. They look forward to cracking her open tomorrow: it’ll be one for the record books. After they extinguish the lights, Paul breaks in – this guy never learns – and opens up Sam’s morgue drawer. Paul gazes upon her face and Sam’s hands suddenly pop up and begin to strangle him. Sam’s face slowly peels off, revealing a monstrous version of B.B. underneath. “Come with me, Paul!” she insists, and Paul screams. The end credits play a terrible industrial song in which the chant “B.B.” happens over and over again.

Film’s ending: Does. Not. Compute.

Takeaway points:

  • As horror buffs likely already know, the original version of Deadly Friend, as director Wes Craven intended it, was more of a PG-rated, dark science-fiction thriller about misguided affection. But test audiences expected serious gore from a Wes Craven film, so the film was re-written to include several grisly nightmare sequences and gruesome deaths. (In fact, they went a little too far with the revisions, as the original cut of the film saddled it with an ‘X’ rating.) To Craven, the real horror lay within the character of Samantha’s dad. And he’s a nightmarish figure, to be sure. Underneath the ridiculousness, you can see the glimpses of a heartbreaking story of an abused girl and the failure of her friends and neighbours to protect her from her monstrous dad. (This is helped, in a huge part, by a really excellent Kristy Swanson performance.)
  • Deadly Friend kind of works as a dark, gory inversion of a film that premiered the year prior, Weird Science. It’s almost as if Craven saw the John Hughes comedy and thought it was having too much fun to be a real warning to teenagers eager to play God. As such, Deadly Friend has more in common with Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, sharing themes of the dangerous pursuit of scientific knowledge, and how secrecy only leads to disaster.
  • An added element to this film (that Frankenstein lacks) is male entitlement to women and their disinterest in female agency. Paul, simply because he has a crush on Sam, feels he needs to revive her from the dead. Is this something Sam would want? Paul doesn’t even pause to consider this question: he wants her back. The fact that the revived, robotic Sam only looks like his old friend – does not act or sound or move like her – just emphasizes the divergence between Paul’s desires and the dead Samantha’s autonomy.
  • One of the principal questions the film is: What exactly is Samantha’s father’s job? He owns a rather large house, but we only see him drinking and abusing his poor daughter like it’s a full-time occupation.
  • As my friend Andrew, who watched the film with me, noted upon seeing one of the film’s credits, “That medical advisor should be ashamed of himself.”

Truly terrifying or truly terrible?: People deride Deadly Friend, but it’s really not that bad. Some of the nightmare sequences – Samantha stabbing her father, the melted Mr. Pringle appearing in Paul’s bed – are genuinely scary. Deadly Friend is just an ambitious film that fell short of its goals. But I respect the genuine effort.

Samantha Pringle never met a pink she didn’t like.

Best outfit: Let’s just agree it’s a bold choice to wear a sweatsuit that incorporates three different shades of pink – and on Thanksgiving, no less. Samantha Pringle, I salute your style confidence.

Best line: “Oh, I love these. I love them. Thank you, come in.” – Paul Conway, playing it real close to the chest when Sam gives him a box of cookies.

Best kill: Forget this particular movie: there are few kills in film history better than Elvira Parker’s unceremonious dispatch by a powerfully thrown basketball. (Watch it online if you doubt me.)

Unexpected cameo: The voice of B.B., Charles Fleischer, was also the voice of Roger Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Unexpected lesson learned: Don’t rely on medical professionals to strictly obey the times at which they terminate life support down to the very minute.

Most suitable band name derived from the movie: Slime Toomey.

Next up: Creep (2014).

31 (More) Days of Fright: Leprechaun

Peep that face. This guy is magically delicious.

This January, in support of the Toronto Rape Crisis Centre / Multicultural Women Against Rape, friends and family have raised over $1,500 (which, when matched by my employer, totals $3,000). As a result, I now have to watch and write about thirty-one horror movies: one each night. Any donors who contributed over $30 were given the option to choose one of the horror movies I must subject myself to. After each viewing, I will write some things about said movies on this website. Be forewarned that all such write-ups will contain spoilers, and many of them will refer to unpleasant and potentially triggering situations. Today’s film, as recommended by the amazing Lisa Whittington-Hill, is the Celtic curio that spawned several sequels: Leprechaun, directed by Mark Jones (Rumplestiltskin – he’s got a wheelhouse). Lisa Whittington-Hill is the publisher of fantastic news and culture publication, This Magazine, which is currently holding a very important donation drive. I highly encourage you to support their journalistic efforts! I rented Leprechaun from the good people at Bay Street Video.

What happens:

Trigger warnings: broad Irish stereotypes.

Rhyming couplets from the Leprechaun himself (Warwick Davis) open the film, warning “whoever steals my gold / won’t live through the night.” We then see Daniel O’Grady (Shay Duffin) exit a limousine and down a bottle of Jameson’s before entering his North Dakota bungalow. His wife, Mrs. O’Grady (Pamela Mant), greets him at the door, confused as to why her husband has decided to arrive home in such luxury. Daniel tells her they can soon ditch this crummy house for a mansion. He opens the package he sent to himself from Ireland and reveals what he discovered: a satchel of gold coins! O’Grady explains to his wife that he found a “wee person” and forced him to take him to his gold, so he now gets to keep it. “It’s the rule, y’know.”

Daniel goes to unpack while his wife makes some tea. She soon begins to hear a creepy child’s voice singing nursery rhymes. Mrs. O’Grady follows the voice, which leads her to one of Daniel’s suitcases. The voice asks for help, saying it can’t breathe inside the suitcase. She unclasps the bag and out pops the Leprechaun, who looks like Lucky (from the cereal boxes) crossed with a monstrous troll. His emergence from the suitcase spooks Mrs. O’Grady, who topples backwards down the basement stairs and dies.

Dan O’Grady: most dangerous Irishman this side of Liam Neeson.

Daniel returns to the living room to find not his wife, but the Leprechaun, toting a serving tray of tea. Shocked to see the imp this side of the Atlantic, Daniel retrieves a four-leaf clover from his drawer and uses it (and a pistol) to repel the Leprechaun. He drives the creature into the basement where Daniel finds his dead wife. The Leprechaun plays with Mrs. O’Grady’s corpse, so Daniel shoots him a few times. He then stuffs the Leprechaun’s body into a large wooden crate he conveniently had in the basement, nails it shut, and places the four-leaf clover on top to make sure he stays contained within.

O’Grady douses the crate in gasoline, then runs upstairs to find matches. All the while, the Leprechaun vocally taunts him. Daniel loses his breath and falls to his knees, having some sort of attack, just as he lights the match. As the collapses entirely, the match blows out.

Ten years later, J.D. Reding (John Sanderford) and his teenage daughter, Tory (a pre-Friends Jennifer Aniston), drive in their Jeep to what will be their new home: a bungalow in remote North Dakota (that just so happens to be the former residence of the O’Gradys). Toty, as evinced by her L.A. Gear sneakers, would much rather be in Beverly Hills, and grumbles during the entire move-in process. (Confusingly, they’ve managed to pack all their belongings into a Jeep, primarily in paper shopping bags.) Understandably, she’s less than impressed with the cobwebbed old home.

Noticing the many large spiders that have taken up residence in the basement, Tory makes plans to move into a hotel. She gets spooked and runs upstairs, directly into a major slice of beefcake, house painter Nathan Murphy (Ken Olandt), who has decided to eschew sleeves altogether. He laughs when he hears Tory was scared by a few spiders – just like a girl, he says – and their gentle battle of the sexes begins. As Tory reminds Nathan, “This is the ‘90s, bud.” No room for gender stereotypes here.

Sleeves, as all craftsmen know, are not conducive to painting.

Nathan’s fellow painters, his kid brother Alex (Robert Hy Gorman) and the Oliver-Hardy-esque Ozzie (Mark Holton), discuss the aliens Ozzie claims to have seen. Meanwhile, Tory prepares some Nestea and brings it to Nathan in the basement. After being scared (again) by a falling tarp, Tory finds a large crate. Nathan, obviously, is keen to open it up. But they are interrupted by a commotion outside. Ozzie has had a painting mishap and has inadvertently painted his face blue. He goes inside to wash off and is led into the basement by a creepy child’s voice singing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.”

Ozzie hears the voice coming from the basement crate. He puts his ear alongside it and brushes off the dying clover (which has held up impressively after ten years). The Leprechaun immediately busts out of the crate and introduces both himself and his occupation. (He’s a shoemaker by trade.) The Leprechaun demands to know where his crock of gold is. Then he eats a scorpion. (He hasn’t eaten in ten years, after all.) He threatens to bite off Ozzie’s ear and use it to make a boot (crafty!) if he doesn’t bring him to his gold. Ozzie flees upstairs, but the Leprechaun uses magic to close the door. However, his magic is weak after being trapped for so long, and Ozzie is able to break the door open.

Ozzie informs the others about the leprechaun he spotted in the basement, but no one believes him, as he has a reputation for telling tall tales. They reluctantly venture into the basement anyway, but find only a broken crate and some rats. (Still: rats are a cause for concern.) When back on the surface, they see a rainbow. Ozzie is convinced it’s a “magic rainbow” (whatever that is), since it hasn’t rained in a while. There should be gold at its end. He and Alex rush to the end point of this rainbow and find a rusted-out truck. Inside, they first find a gold coin, then a whole pouch of similar coins. Ozzie figures this is what the Leprechaun was talking about, but Alex thinks he’s foolish to believe in mythical creatures.

To test if it’s real gold. Ozzie bites the coin, but accidentally swallows it. The two oddball friends decide to hide the rest of the gold in the old well by the O’Grady farm. Alex says they can use the money to get Ozzie an operation to make him smart. (What a mean kid!)

Back at the farm, Tory retrieves some paint from the back of the Murphys’ truck and feels someone caressing her shin. At first, she thinks it’s Nathan (who I guess would be face-down in the dirt underneath his truck?), but then the caressing turns to scratching. Tory screams and falls down in the dirt. Though it was definitely the clawed hand of a leprechaun, Tory’s dad and Nathan suggest it was a possum that touched her. Then they hear a cat meowing from a little hole in a tree. JD reaches into the tree to grab the cat (seems like a good idea), but something bites him. When he pulls out his hand, his palm has a very nasty wound. The group rushes JD to the hospital in the painters’ truck and – unbeknownst to them – the Leprechaun pursues them on a cute little tricycle.

The Leprechaun, dark horse entry into the Tour de France.

While Nathan and Tory get JD admitted into the emergency ward, Ozzie and Alex visit the local pawn broker to get their gold coins appraised. The shop owner (John Voldstad) thinks it could be worth more than $55,000. The strange symbols on the coin mean it could have even more historic value. He asks to hold onto a coin for further study.

While Ozzie and Alex leave to meet up with Nathan and Tory at a diner, the shop owner consults his ancient tome on Celtic folklore. That’s when a tricycle rolls out of nowhere and bumps into him. The shop owner, mystified by this happening, goes to the safe to store the coin for safe keeping. But the Leprechaun leaps out from inside the safe and bites into his arm. The shop owner falls to the ground in pain. The Leprechaun then takes a pogo stick and hops up and down on the prone owner’s chest until he bleeds all over and dies. Then, of course, he shines the dead man’s shoes. (The Leprechaun is obsessed with shoes; like an Irish Imelda Marcos.) He trades the tricycle in for one of those Power Wheels trucks in the shop basement.

Back at the diner, Tory and Nathan wonder where Alex and Ozzie have gone. Tory is distraught that her very first day in a new town, her dad has been hospitalized. The Leprechaun speeds down the highway in his little truck, attracting the attention of a confused highway trooper. He pulls over the Leprechaun and asks him to take off his mask and step out of the vehicle. The Leprechaun disobeys and claws the trooper’s face instead. What follows is an intense Raimi-esque chase through the forest. The trooper hides behind a tree, his face covered in blood. Thinking the Leprechaun is gone, he ventures out into the clearing and sees the little guy’s hat. The Leprechaun starts to play hide-and-eek, popping up from behind several different trees. Eventually, the trooper, exhausted from running, collapses against a tree. The Leprechaun then drops from a branch above onto his shoulders and breaks his neck.

At the diner, Nathan and Tory have an argument about eating meat. Tory doesn’t kill animals, she says, but then Nathan asks about her leather (?!) sneakers. Ozzie and Alex eventually join them at the table. The Leprechaun returns to the O’Grady farm house and frantically searches the house for his gold. He finds instead some Lucky Charms cereal (or a reasonable facsimile) and a lot of shoes to be shined. When our heroes return to the house, they’re perplexed. Apparently someone or something ransacked the house, but also left their footwear very clean. Tory, feeling unsafe in the house, makes plans to find a hotel room.

One of about 73 Lucky Charms jokes in this film

While Ozzie and Alex discuss the finer points of killing leprechauns, they hear a tricycle bell from outside. Nathan heads outside to investigate, but is caught by a bear trap. As he writhes on the ground in agony, the Leprechaun appears and attempts to amputate his caught leg with an axe. But Nathan fights back with his flashlight. Alex and Tory join him in beating the little man with sticks and stones while Ozzie calls the authorities for help. But, unfortunately, no one believes him – not even the super-boss Sheriff (William Newman) with mirrored sunglasses – because Ozzie has called in so many hoaxes.

Alex retrieves a shotgun and Nathan blows the Leprechaun away, spattering green blood everywhere. Alex and Tory manage to wrench Nathan’s leg free from the bear trap, and Nathan unloads his shotgun into the bush where the Leprechaun fell. Confident the creature is dead, they wait for the authorities to arrive, but they realize Ozzie told them about a leprechaun, so the police probably aren’t coming. They all load into the truck to drive Nathan to the hospital. But the truck won’t start. Alex lifts the hood to check on the problem and it’s the Leprechaun (obviously)! The little green guy leaps out and traps the heroes in their truck. He smashes in the window and makes good on that promise to bite Ozzie’s ear. But the resourceful Tory takes the truck’s cigarette lighter and burns the tip of the Leprechaun’s nose. He scurries away to the barn in pain.

But it’s not long before he emerges from the barn in a Mad Max / Battle Bots vehicle of sorts, and drives it right into the truck’s side, causing it to roll over. Our human friends escape the overturned cab and run inside, with the Leprechaun pursuing on foot. They slam the door and catch his hand in the door frame, cutting it off at the wrist. The hand, animated on its own, then unlocks the door and returns to the now one-handed Leprechaun. He retreats to recuperate.

Momentarily safe inside, Tory uses her Zach Morris vintage portable phone to call the police. (The landline has died.) Though the battery dies partway through the call, she’s confident they know they require aid. Sheriff Cronin dispatches a trooper to visit the O’Grady farm, but we see the dead trooper – murdered by the Leprechaun – in his cruiser. The Leprechaun impersonates his voice and tells the Sheriff he’ll check it out. (No one is coming to help them now!)

At the house, Tory is still (somehow) having trouble believing the monster is a real leprechaun. Ozzie then lets slip about the gold he and Alex found, and Tory demands to know everything. She dons a leather jacket (see, that’s actually made of leather), takes the shotgun, and visits the well. She retrieves the pouch of gold and – moments later – the Leprechaun materializes out of thin air. Tory tosses him the pouch, saying he can have all the gold back. The Leprechaun seems very pleased and has a real sensory overload with his gold. Tory returns inside while the Leprechaun counts his coins. Only one problem: a single coin is missing.

“Expelliarmus!” shouts the new Defence against the Dark Arts instructor.

Alex heads to the fridge to get some ice for his brother’s leg, but the Leprechaun is hiding inside. He scares Alex, but the others rescue him and shove the Leprechaun’s hand on a hot stove element. The Leprechaun then torments them, popping out of various kitchen cabinets. The gang runs around the house and the Leprechaun drops down from the chimney. Nathan shoots him down and convinces himself the Leprechaun is dead. “Not a chance, me’ lad,” the Leprechaun shouts as he hops up from the floor and runs away. “Diddly diddly dee!” The Leprechaun skateboards circles around them, crank calls them on the telephone, and eventually Ozzie realizes what the Leprechaun wants. The missing gold coin is, if you’ll remember, in Ozzie’s belly.

Before Ozzie sacrifices himself to this Leprechaun, Nathan suggests Tory visit old man O’Grady. O’Grady is still alive, but has lived in a rest home since his stroke. They head outside to the Jeep, but are waylaid by the Leprechaun. This time, they’re ready for him: they toss a box full of shoes all over the lawn. The Leprechaun is compelled to pick them up and shine them, giving Tory time to escape in the Jeep. Still, he pursues her on roller skates until she gives him the slip.

“Pick on someone your own size … uh … well, carry on then.”

At the rest home, Tory finds Daniel O’Grady’s room number in a file conveniently labelled “ROOM NUMBERS” on the desk at which a security guard dozes. She trudges through spooky hallways until reaching O’Grady’s room. Tory begins to ask Mr. O’Grady how to kill the Leprechaun until she realizes something: he’s the Leprechaun in disguise! The Leprechaun chases her in his wheelchair until she hides herself in the elevator. In that elevator, the real Daniel O’Grady falls from the ceiling, his face covered in blood. He’s dying, having been wounded by the Leprechaun, but with his dying breath he tells Tory how to kill the monster: she needs to find a four-leaf clover in the field by his well and place it on the Leprechaun’s body.

Tory drives back home and finds the overly green patch of clover (which we’ve never seen before, somehow). She gets on all fours and frantically searches for a four-leaf clover among the others. But the Leprechaun seizes her wrist and warns, “Little girls shouldn’t look for four-leaf clovers!” Tory runs away and finds a police cruiser. Relieved, she hops into the car, but immediately realizes the trooper is dead. The Leprechaun appears at the driver-side window, so Tory jams the cop’s nightstick into the Leprechaun’s eye and moves to the backseat.

The Leprechaun gets into the cruiser and tears out the dead trooper’s eyeball, then places it into his own ruined socket. (That’s not how eyes work.) The now fully-visioned Leprechaun moves toward Tory, but Nathan suddenly appears at the car’s side and blows the Leprechaun away with the shotgun. The gang all return to the clover field and search for one with four leaves – all of them, save Alex, who has gone rogue, setting up bear traps in the barn and muttering to himself: “I can get him, I can get him.”

On the hunt for the four-leaf clover, Tory begins to lose hope. She also loses patience with Ozzie’s belief in magical things. Ozzie, however, encourages her to have faith. As soon as that conversation ends, she finds it – the four-leaf clover! (The power of magical thinking!) But back in the barn, the Leprechaun captures young Alex and tries to force his head into one of the bear traps. That’s when the others appear at the barn door and Ozzie tells the Leprechaun that he’s swallowed his last coin. Sacrificing himself to save his friend Alex, Ozzie runs away with the Leprechaun hot on his heels.

“Shoot him again, Nathan! His soul is still dancing … and it’s an Irish jig.”

The Leprechaun catches up to Ozzie and tackles him to the ground. He then takes the buckle off his shoe and gruesomely begins to slash Ozzie’s face with it as if it were a razor. Before Ozzie can bleed out, Alex appears over the Leprechaun’s shoulder with the balled-up four-leaf clover in his slingshot. “Fuck you, Lucky Charms,” he says, and fires the clover directly into the Leprechaun’s mouth.

The Leprechaun begins to melt, then falls back into the old well with a massive green explosion. Ozzie, bleeding profusely, asks if he finally did “a smart thing.” But while they’re recovering, the melted skeleton of the Leprechaun emerges from the well, still demanding his gold. Nathan rushes up to him, butts him back into the well with the shotgun. He then pours gasoline down the well and lights a match. After the explosion, the police arrive, and the film ends with the Leprechaun warning that he’ll be back.

Ozzie learns the dangers of swallowing coins extend beyond your digestive tract.

Takeaway points:

  • Leprechaun is a strange film. The movie desperately aims for the dark comedy of later Nightmare on Elm Street or Child’s Play films, but fails in the departments of humour and inventive murder. The jokes seem more intended for young kids, but the gruesome scenes – particularly the eye-gouging and the face-slashing – make it entirely unsuitable for young ones. Somehow the film has spawned several sequels which have brought the titular Leprechaun to Vegas, to space, and to south central Los Angeles (twice).
  • As stupid as the film is, it does adhere pretty closely to traditional leprechaun lore (much of which I learned after the fact). The only differences are that leprechauns traditionally wore red jackets – not green (though the Leprechaun’s jacket gets fairly bloody over the course of the film) – and that capturing a Leprechaun traditionally entitles you to three wishes (instead of a cache of gold). But otherwise, it’s weirdly canonical.
  • The film Leprechaun has some unusual acknowledgements in its credits, giving thanks to both George Lucas (for releasing Warwick Davis from his contract) and former Vice President Dan Quayle (for rushing through Warwick Davis’s work visa). Thanks are not given to Lucky Charms, however, as they originally gave the filmmakers use of their trademark image for the cereal scene, but rescinded it after seeing the gory final film (necessitating expensive reshoots).

Truly terrifying or truly terrible?: Leprechaun knows what it is: a bad horror movie with some ridiculous moments and a few gross-outs. It doesn’t aim for any higher. You know what you’re in for.

Nothing beats a shirt that visually explains your occupation.

Best outfit: Though Jennifer Aniston’s L.A. Gear sneakers feature largely in the film, I can’t get over painter Ozzie’s thematically appropriate paint brush shirt.

Best line: “Ozzie, you can kill anything. You just gotta’ know how to do it.” – homicidal young Alex, imparting advice.

Best kill: Someone being pogo-sticked to death is an indelible image. Probably symbolic, too. (Though of what, I couldn’t say.)

Unexpected cameo: Comic foil and so-so painter Ozzie is played by Mark Holton, better known as Francis from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure or Chubby from the Teen Wolf movies.

Unexpected lesson learned: I was entirely unaware that Leprechauns were traditionally cobblers / shoemakers. This is an actual folkloric lesson that I learned.

Most suitable band name derived from the movie: Three Guys That Paint.

Next up: Deadly Friend (1986).